Psalms of Olúwalónimí

Like, it is what it is... emotional and therefore conditional, It's based on qualities we adore in the other person Or qualities that suits our person.  Sometimes, even qualities that makes excuses for or indulge our excesses.  In all, Like, though not deliberate, can be strong and potent.  Now, it can be fleeting,  It's the reason why you like them a lot today and not so much tomorrow, because they aren't so much of those things we like at the moment, or they have evolved all together. That's the problem with like. Not to say it's not beautiful  But what do you do when they are not so much what you like at the beginning,  It's simple, have who they are at every moment, if you can, cos really all things are yours!!! People can give you 10 today and 2 tomorrow, take all, it's a privilege, except of course it's toxic. Love on the other hand, is consistent, patient, grounded, suffers long, like Jesus dying to take away our sins.  Stays true in and out of ...

Sight, one hell of a resource. Like that one time, when I thought i was madly in love, lol All it took was a vision, then I saw what I was loving was all in my head, a figment I had created.  People ask me till date, "how could you say you don't feel the same way anymore?" some even dare say I'm not being honest  But what can I say? Now, I see.  I also see how the situation is confusing, I mean dropping the whole idea like it's hot, right after acting like my life depended on it. See, there's no better way to explain. I just see. I don't loathe him. Hell no! How could I? He's such an amazing person, but I'm no longer in a bubble. Sight makes you speak head high, where you once rambled. It disarms sentiment You could think people don't get you,  I say wait and see. Lol Sight, it humbles emotions.  Put things in perspective  Not that you wouldn't feel, but you feel with understanding  Oh! To see! How sweet.  You might think or wonder why the ...

Feeling so weary and broken I feel like I'm in a hole... Buried Pressed on all sides Tired! Literally The debt is overwhelming And so are my emotions  I can't keep up  One minute I'm angry And then I really don't think I should be And then I feel Iike a fool Like I've been played  But is that really so? You told me you wouldn't put me to shame.  Told me to not see the debt as another's but mine.  This way, it'd be easier to bear. These words I've hung on to Tbh, some days are easier than others On some days, I absolutely trust Other days I can't help but feel like a fool I mean how did sth that was literally me helping out turn into my debt? Empty promises upon empty promises  I just want to scream sometimes....  The weight of guilt From betraying family From watching mom cry Getting blocked and questioned Feeling betrayed even though I shouldn't...  I honestly cannot keep up with my emotions My heart is weary But I choose to trust you.  I ch...

Lagos       (n)       1. A place for mad people.       2. An euphemism for asylum. Example : XYZ is mentally unstable, he's been taken to Lagos. 

It's safe to say life is all about finding balance. First in every facet, then in the whole. Balance in how we learn In how we teach In how we react In how we process our thoughts and emotions  In how we give ourselves to people and viceversa...  Balance, without a doubt, is key.  ... but balance can make one come off as hyprocrite, speaking from two ends of one's mouth... Like which side exactly is one on? Are you for or against? Balance teaches that we don't necessarily have to be for or against, two things can be right.  Balance or hypocrisy? You tell someone that the far right of a matter is not the best position for them, but so is the far left, what then should they do? Test all things, the Bible says, and hold on to that which is true. Have you heard of the 'standard of truth'? It's not necessarily right or left, it's transcedent.  It's the standard of God-how he sees things. It's how things truly are and ought to be.  It's how we should s...

People are funny. It doesn't matter whatever ship we might be in, be it relationship or friendship, people will amuse you, because that's what we are-funny! Sometimes I wonder if it is worth the stress, if people are really worth it.  Everyone just has their head stuck somewhere-their ideal, and it doesn't really matter how much conversation you have had, or how long the journey had been, it doesn't always affect our different ways of seeing things. How come what you hear is me disparaging or discrediting your effort, when all I'm doing is clearly looking out for you?? You see? Funny. I'm here thinking you should breathe, and what you saw was me not appreciating your effort.  I bare my soul to you and what you think of me is I cannot keep friends or make connections. It's a different thing if you're asking questions, it's not like what you have noticed shouldn't be probed, but you have simply drawn conclusions, though you tell yourself you're...

The longing to speak laced with fear of misconception, and words falling short.... 

Dear diary, I know it's been a long time coming  And I know if you could talk, you'd literally scream 'finally!' lol.  Didn't mean not to talk about this, it's just been a lot of emotions put together and hurled at me... I staggered, didn't know where or how to start, But here, it's looking like I can finally talk about it.  6months ago, Dami asked me to marry him, yeah! You heard me. I was shocked too.  Before then, it's been 3years since we've been friendly. A lot had happened. From me dealing with my feelings for him to questioning the very base of our friendship, and questioning if we really were friends. I held off, I observed. I couldn't remember the things I liked, or maybe I did, but it just didn't make sense anymore. Are we friends, or ẹ̀gbọ́n and àbúrò? Why did I really tell him all those things at the time? They were clearly unnecessary.... Those were my thoughts and what I believed we should talk about. Instead, he played the ...

In recent times, I've been tired. Tired of the admonitions The fear of not matching up Tired of the need to be in people's good books Of the steady eyes waiting to see me get it wrong Of the ever ready claws waiting to tear me apart Of the wagging tongue always tearing me down, despite knowing next to nothing about me.  I'm just really tired of everything, except you.  But I digress. Every morning I wake up, tired but ready to follow, Like today... And tomorrow.  Because I love you Your purpose, and how I fit in is all I am after. And you've got to help this tired hands, cos I cannot do this by myself. ******* You see the eagerness in my gait whenever I visit and I'm about to leave, what you don't see though, is the heaviness in those feet, the fear in my heart and the ton of questions in my mind.  Everytime I have to leave you, alone, I hope and pray it isn't the last time we'd see...  I'm not the child you think I am I'm just sold out.... Thing...

The two sides It's seen in almost every thing we do Every interaction In the very big and important things And in the minute and trivial ones.  We often stay at either side of the fence Holding our positions  Which are mostly judgemental Heck! Sometimes even hurling insults at the person on the other side Disparaging their perspective  Belittling their effort When we could simply climb the fence to see the other's perspective.  Maybe it isn't that simple, but it'd definitely be worth it.  When you take someone in  It's easy to think they are a liability  Especially when it seems so.  It's easy to think they have no thoughts or clue, as to how you manage to run the house Pay the bills Give up your privacy Or even your way of doing things.  It's easy to think they don't consider things That they bring nothing to the table (as long as it's not money)  And the truth is no one can really handle your things the way you would.  Even when t...

So much joy.. It feels like fluid I can touch it Then pour it all over To make an art...or something. Oh the joy of uncovering! It comes from realising that you, my brother have yet a place in your heart for me. That you want to make things better. And oh I've longed for this day To tell my side of the story To tell how the test faced me To share my weakness Cos I know it's a test Heaven cabals knows how to do that so well. So a test came, It faced me in a way You in a way Dee in a way S in a way But I could see, he helped me see.. Past the offence And patiently wait for this day Thank you For uncovering; I could see how much of the brunt you had to bear I wasn't the only one after all I could see how a tiny 'i don't like it' snowballed into hostility... You bared your heart and mind And why the fuck can't I trust you again? Does love not cover all things? Have I not received this love? Are we not all broken and to be broken...

31?! Isn't God wonderful? Wasn't it just yesterday, when I was born?  Wasn't it just yesterday, when I took my first step?  I remember primary school days, when I barely had something to worry about. Then secondary school days, when I thought I was all grown. Lol... And then uni, how He picked me up and told me there was more to life, just as I had suspected. It's been one hell of a journey. One I wouldn't have any other way.  I just want to say thank you to an amazing, phenomenal and beautiful lady-me.  For yielding to Him For embracing the processes  For learning from the lessons For taking every stroke in good faith For not holding back For holding on For pushing through  For listening and making corrections For bearing the pain  For staying, through the confusions and plenty questions, even when it seemed answers would never come...  For bearing the onslaught...  I'm aware there are blindspots, Things to be checked or worked on,  Thi...

There's been a gap From the very beginning It's been there.  And we both know Even when we try to be there for one another Even when you laugh at my jokes And when I have your back It really didn't take away the differences.  My problem? would always think you are everywhere, needed or not. You just cannot keep calm, you just gotta show up or have a say. Quite overbearing, but that's my problem. Always thought you were preferred too. At least by dad, but then I Learnt we are different, always would be, and as such would take different journeys, different processes to be forged. And if by any means you're actually preferred, so be it. Everyone is entitled to their sentiments. That's not my problem. It's a dealing that'd shape me.  So the issue at hand, you are the ijgb who doesn't seem to understand order, or that things were done in a way while you were away. That things have changed, that there's been a progression. You want to use 'my space...

Ẹniiyì My darling. My love. My baby. I could write a whole book. Two sef. It's been 2years of amazing, exciting, terrifying, all together-lovely journey of growth with you.  You're my gift from God, one I didn't even see coming.  My baby. My teacher. My very own baby.... Oh, how I love... I couldn't even dare write this in a public place... Because what's this love? What will your mother say? Lol. But the truth is I don't even see my self as less than a mom to you. You taught me to be one, and many more. Someone said my affinity for you can't be compared... I didn't even see it at the time.  It all started exactly 2years today.  I remember when you started screaming. You were only two weeks old. Your voice was second to none. You could scream for an hour or more, straight. It was deafening. We didn't know what to do, but we endured it, esp mama and i, because we love you. How could we not?  Through it all, you taught me patience. I learnt that I w...

I think I've had something of this sort up earlier, yet, here I am again saying you do not know me. You feel acquainted because you daily see my status on WhatsApp and IG stories... I laugh. But I get it. Truth is I'm not on my status. Heck! Half my thoughts doesn't even make it there. Lol You think you know me, because you've seen my stand on certain issues, or how I acted or reacted, it's understandable. What you can't see though is the struggle behind those actions.  Sometimes, behind a firm stance is a weeping heart, a heart that'd rather not but had to.  All you see is outward, have you seen inward? Some of us live there, we seem showy but nah! Chill bud! I'm not saying you can't... I'm saying you do not know me! 

How easy it is for people to forget I have a life. How convinient! Some days I shrug it off; it doesn't really matter. Other days I ponder on it all day. Its astounding, and funny and exasperating at the same time. You, you are the wife and mom. You definitely want to be seen as such, only, you handpick the responsibility that you are saddled with, even when it's clearly yours. Mad o! You could care less about the cooking, but you feel sidelined when another serves. Double mad o! You go out at will, with little or no regard for the one who takes over after you've left. I'm the one who has to plan ahead and ask permission to go out cos of the (your) kids. Now, that's mad o pro! You, you drop your kids without any heads up... 5-6 weeks straight, I'm supposed to look after 5 children. It's the no notice for me, and the assumption that I've got nothing to do. Ma what? Maaaad o! Who does the dishes when everyone leaves the plates and leaves in the morning? Wh...

More often than not, I question everything I do... I search my heart for the why..  And honestly, sometimes I'm just not sure.  But I've found that, through every feeling,  Every thought and weariness...  Times I'm misunderstood and misjudged,  Unheard and misheard,  I keep on keeping on I have questioned if it's fear or a need for validation  Or I just want to be seen and applauded  But I find all these not enough reason The only reason I have, really, is God It's the only reason big enough To push me through my tiredness, doubts and fears........ 

It was my 30th birthday yesterday, and I am super grateful, this is no cliché... I'm not even joking. For life and more, I am grateful and excited .  I got all the love, from the cake, to the breakfast in bed, to gifts, calls and prayers. Words of affirmation and appreciation. I felt it all,  But as grateful and blessed as I felt, it was a roller-coaster of emotions for me. Not sure I've had to deal with a happy moment and a somewhat sad one at the same time... Tofunmi got ill and hospitalised the day before...  It'd have been all hopes if there hadn't been a word that redemption was needed. A word that was clearly disobeyed. Sigh!. I had to take in all the love, and genuinely so while praying through every smile. I had to match the energy of my sisters and well wishers, though a part of me was worried.  I had to show and turn up- I mean two people just ditched their jobs to be with me...someone worked her butt off baking, the previous night... The least I could do w...

I'd wait... to see if you'd stay true to your word or it was all bluff. to see if you are truly personal with everyone you've made, or you're too busy with so many issues,  to see if you've brought me this far to leave me,  to see if it was all worth it. I'd wait  to see if you're truly a rewarder of those who diligently seek you. to see if you'd focus on my wrongs and forget my Labour of love.  I hear blames more than I do praises.  My faults are more echoed.  Just yesterday, I remember when he said "Let them leave... I see how they treat Nimi" And I still can't wrap my head around... I understand leaving to learn, I don't understand how we treated Nimi.  Yet, it has not deterred me from giving my best, the way I know how.  For the house...  The kids...  And everything in between.  And I'm not perfect, I'm gunning to be...  I'm expected to do even what the wife cannot do, like watch over the kids, cook and clean at once... ...

My heart in tatters In a million places. My eyes, teary.  A million thoughts and questions going through my head Like, how did we get here? One minute, it was all hype And the next you're clearly avoiding me.  I've reached out a number of times, you're either shutting me up or shutting me out.  I can't even explain the pain...  The confusion  Messages left unanswered  What do I make of that?  I dunno...  Every other thing seems cool, but really, is it?  And the big question is, what's happening?  Or what have I done?  Or what have I not done? Please make it make sense.  I've taken a journey back to previous conversations.  The most recent one, which was about not opening up...  God knows I'm tired I'm praying I'm trying...  Maybe it's all part of the process..  Would someone please say something?