Psalms of Olúwalónimí

I know I confuse you I give you more than a thousand reasons to wonder Worse still, I don't care. I've come to accept that nothing good dwells in man. So I do not strive to be good I strive to be him. Its beauty overall The dark shades And the bright ones, Both make wonderful shades of grey. Beautiful confusion.lol I know. I know. I know it's hard to comprehend a girl whose outward seems different from inward; Depth yet no show. I look like a joke yet you see streak of intentionality. Play-full, yet head screwed on You see... I know I confuse you But I'm really not sorry I'm too engrossed in the love of this life. You may have to walk my path to see....

You are true. And because I'm just like you; I'm as true... I look within and marvel at your strength in me. It gives me joy. I'm proud to be a heir. The strength to undermine self. The strength to own my flaws; not to shroud my mistakes with excuses or the flaws of others. The strength to accept the apology I never received. The strength to choose to see you behind every scene. To choose to follow with eager feet while groping. To lift my head high even when people are puzzled. To live alone in the crowd. To hold on to you when everything is screaming otherwise. Oh! Such strength; you, you are true. And when I allow my self into the other zone; When I want to be human because I feel I've been strong for too long; When I bury my head and allow logic to becloud me... When I cry because sometimes strength comes in liquid... I cannot but laugh it off because your joy is indeed my strength!

Downcasted... I just want to cry On a day like this, I want so badly to know why you happened in the first place. I see where your coming taught me to be wary of emotions, and how much I still have to learn. Yet, why do I feel that doesn't answer my question; why did I ever meet you? I want to know, badly. I can't seem to forget the things that convinced me in the first place. Were they true Or Was I so wrong? And if I'm being stupid, I beg to be allowed for the meantime; can I be human? Above all, I know there is a bigger picture that's not to be forgotten...

25. Oh well, for the records. Even 4years here will not matter if I do not learn how to make it matter. Little wonder there was nothing to celebrate. Life? Yes, I'm always grateful for that. I've fought to be called by a name but I guess I've spent too much time dwelling on that. Back to scratch. It's time to be sown again To learn anew, all I thought I've learned. To bridge the gap between my spirit and my mind; to gain understanding of the secret I suspect. Poor am I.

I'm learning that with You there can't be mixtures. Be all in or get all out. I'm a prisoner of my emotions. I invested my emotions on mere speculations-things that look like it. My heart stays on You but my mind reasoned- " there must be something, we can't just gel like that. What if... What if... What if... " But even if I was right, how was I to determine how things will go? There can't be mixtures. My feelings can't be a basis. I'd miss you. Very much so. Your mind. How you can read my thoughts before I let them out. Your wits. Your calmness. Your gestures. I didn't even know I was holding you, till I sat to take stock of how worried I become when you didn't reach out, how much I longed to hear from you, to hear you smile and be sarcastic. But really, am I not doing to you what the other did to me? So I'm not different. The difference really is this light and with it, I need to stay. so these things can...

I have a feeling A very persuasive one That some time from now I would look at my epistles and laugh at my ignorance. Maybe not ignorance But how much my mind did not grasp the content of my spirit. Maybe... I have words for my convictions, But sometimes my mind still questions these thoughts of mine I seldom cannot trace how the thoughts came to be. They are like the things I feel but cannot see; close yet far... So I can only wonder Why then is the kettle whistling If the water isn't boiling I await answers One day. By and by Till then..

In the past two months and more I have wondered; What exactly this is about Why so much attraction What have you that another hasn't.. I think I found it-more than a thought It's no doubt that you are different A beautiful soul One above par A notch above norm You have a sense of quality But will you pursue quality with full throttle? I hope. And here I am Doing all to make you see. Touch, Feel, Follow Unravel and become Heck! I'm subtly showing you, how much your potentials can become reality.. But I doubt if you see what I see And my bad too- how was smooching you supposed to help. My bad really. My bad. I don't even need you to be a boo. I don't have to be your bae. But can you see? I'm learning to calm down For only God can work dissatisfaction- One cannot be cajoled- you've got to want to have it. And if this is not destiny Why flogging it? So, you like me...ok. You want to be with me...ok too. But let's wait till yo...

Broken. Weary. The same cycle The same words The same admonishments And I wonder Will this not end? I am tired of me But I guess you are showing me different things with one thing. Year before, I basked in the euphoria of the moment Having broken free from the voice that says I'm nothing without him. But you have your way of breaking me. I forgot faith I allowed logic My mind reasoned And reasoning is opposed to faith I swerved I broke But my heart is fixated on you You looked upon me with love and mercy And you shined your light again with the tip of your finger, Leading me aright I will be damned to trade this love. Oh, how grateful I am Walking with you has been nothing short of bliss Even when it doesn't seem like it You, My love, are altogether lovely. And every time I sit to think All I can say is This love! This love!! Wonderful wonder With you there is joy unending My worries can't compare. Your life is love And your love is full of...

I gloated in my strength The same that fails, heck! I thought to myself 'i got this' Just because I'm conscious of these things I forgot that harnessing it is a different ball game I thought I could make my self vulnerable yet put emotions in its place Nice try...nice try.. But You... You, sitting in your corner With your chin resting on your palm Watching me toil Picked me up with the least of your fingers Reinforcing how light I am How much I overlooked the hands that stretched And how much I cannot do without you I don't always have to be strong I can rest on your shoulders As well as that of the saints Am I not a part of a body? When my strength lies to me I have the strength of others; Admonishing and helping me see other vantages, to rest on.

When your emotions bubble to the surface And when you go void of emotions I'd be right here When you beam at me in pleasure And when you frown at me in anger I'd be right here When you pat my back And when you strike me I'd be right here When you let out the words And when you are mute Oh, I'd be here Far bigger is what has brought us together Emotion has got nothing on it It's called Destiny! However you decide to communicate fatherhood I'd be here At your feet Looking up to you...

You.. Like wind, you breezed in Besetting... Your vulnerability and honesty Your mind and skill You spelt out your intention and fears I saw it, oh I did. Willfully and stupidly, I fell Because, well.... emotions- sometimes I still wonder why it exists. I let open some of my doors I toyed and enjoyed the moment Emotions speaking louder than caution And now, the upshot I face- This, I'm not happy about. But I've joy Unspeakable Even if you are reaffirming your doubts And my fingers are burnt I have joy that's not dependent on you You have thought me, Through you I see love in me- not the one you professed Never knew I had this much But really, I have no choice I am loved the same way The love reaches down to who I am and can be I see me becoming Him. My joy knows no bounds, seeing I can offer the same. But I'm afraid, you'd have to call for help- No discounts! I'm not bittered I'm joyful and more joyful that I am not. Oh this ...

Had a peek into my heart And i found so much wickedness.  Adultery- my heart still strays It saddens me Little wonder, you compared our righteousness with a menstrual rag To think that I can have this thought is scary But only you can do this I'm not striving to be righteous Again, the goal is to be You To have your nature. Not in how much I try, in myself I embrace this light again I am poor Make me perfect. (Written 2wks ago)

Met you at Otto park. Heading to Kebbi state I managed to notice you Though we were side by side for 18hrs. We uttered no word to each other I was too shocked by the reality that faced me- The trip to Dakingari. Our path crossed again at registration We had to talk; at least pleasantries. Then a discussion sparked From one topic to another We discussed effortlessly You spewed my mind like you had a copy of it; You have an idea of the light I have seen. Bliss! Speaking my experiences, asking my questions.. Story of your life and escapades You talked with utmost sincerity I feel relaxed Still, who are you? Oh! So you missed your flight? And did you have to be a health worker? A writer too? What is this? Why does it seem like I've known you for years? Why does it have to be Land of equity? Who. Are. You? (Written a month ago)

Until i am bereft of previous perception And learn anew, Until i can see these things And pictures pop up when i try to use them Until it moves from my spirit and my mind sees it, And my life speaks it And i become it... I know nothing!

Today is one of such... When I feel like a size of a mole Unloved.. Not deserving... I feel like i lack all the care and benefits of being a child. Even here some are considered more important; Their whimper sounds louder than my wailing. And their laughter overshadows my noisy silence.. I Feel like I'm trying too hard to be seen and heard To be loved.. Nothing i do seems​ right. I'm odd.. Just odd. And if all these is mere feelings, can i atleast be human?

There is no fellowship without​ fellow- the ability to see that i can take your state and you, mine. Oneness can only be possible when we see ourselves as one Not better than the other. It is the rhythm of the dancer That gives the poet life It is the spirit of the poet That give the soldier strength to fight It is the fire of the young ones It is the wisdom of the old It is the story of the poor man That's needing to be told...

Herein lie my excesses The vilest of me My space For so long, i have hidden Erecting a wall A barrier to worship and fellowship. Beyond here is a facade Where i fake orgasm And act like i don't want more Where i second guess my quest Chiding myself And finding solace in my space No more! No more hiding I grope you Let's blend Let's walk like lovers would do Come in Touch my flaws and frailties See the filth i try to hide..See I'm darn sure you'd​ love me anyways And you'd wash me when you cum Let your space be my space I open to you Invade my space Now and forever.

Lying here Feeling like a tiny dot Unnoticed And wondering If it was more than being human Of which i didn't plan Could it be my thoughts Or you've actually overlooked me I strongly hold on to the latter Except, of course you prove me wrong And I cant wait for you to do that. Your random laughs and chit chats will make no difference If you refuse to look into my heart and perceive my spirit I've been here, And I dread to ever be here again But, apparently it wasn't enough I just wish you could see my heart And know that I miss you lottle Those words of endearment and little gestures mean so much Though, I've been a macho I wish i wasn't I can only hope now And hope that it's not too long Before your eyes light up at me again And I feel like a daughter To love and to hold And know that my mistakes don't define me, Or make me less than who I can be. I hope... Till then I miss you... Lottle!

I erred I did the exact opposite of what you wanted me to do I was human; my emotions came through I made it about the tool, when i should have made it about you My fears got the better of me when i should have sought your mind I buried my head in fear when i should have turned to look The hurt of the past clouded it all I'm sorry Love, very much so. I've been sad and a tad depressed Sinking in the wish to have done it right Wailing over spilled milk Disappointed in how i couldn't gloat about being righteous But again, i find pride setting boundaries Boundaries that will deter me from looking pass the wrong and focusing on the extra. I break free from the lust of righteousness It wouldn't matter if i go wrong It should rather make me better You can make the mess a message And make my eye single That's all i pray. So i asked for the extras from this extra Just like that of my academics It gained me the art of tailoring And the time to be for...

Life is in phases. I call it the high and the low. You are high, when you get what you want at the time you want it When circumstances conspire to allow you flaunt your strengths. When you get more than a clap for your victories. You could gloat on how you did it and bask in all the attention, affection and praises... But the tide turns And it's time to sow That which you have received Time to prove That which you have been accorded Time to be reprimanded Time to be overlooked Time to be bare Time to be low You are not hated Life is a package A total one at that The high and the low One without the other will make it less than life Because life is a teacher, taking us through the different phases of it. You master the art of living when you can deal equally with either phase. Brother Paul said I have learned to be content. He said I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Have you received the strength to live the low as much as you do the high? ...

This feeling to keep tearing up has come to stay And I'd endure while it lasts. Perhaps it's what you want from me at the moment. For every gap that my mistakes has created, let my tears fill up.. For every turn I missed, let my tears compensate. For the lessons I should learn, let my tears be the price. Let it not go unnoticed . Helpless and numb am I. Armed with my tears and a broken heart. You have kept count of my tossings ; put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book?

So what have you received if you cannot give? Of what need is that which you have, if you cannot sow? What will your journey matter, if it does not point to another, or make another clearer.. It's a life you have been given It should not die with you. The principle of the kingdom suffices: each man for his brother; pursuing another's best. My fears will not matter My worries will diminish When in contrast with kingdom principles. Legit as they are, they should make me better. I have learnt that I shouldn't give too much attention to my fears. To trust means to let go of my reservations and fears It comes with how much I have realised that I cannot help myself. I laugh at how I got it all wrong, But I'm grateful for the lessons It's all worth it. No one said being with 'him' is do or die The goal is to please God; Sharing that life with all sincerity Even as he supplies help and wisdom. What I receive, I sow. That's the goal!

Never had I known what it means to be naked. To be without anything private To put away the facade To withhold nothing To put all the cards down. I thought I knew until I got my fingers burnt. Sometimes I think I can hold my shit together That it's just trivial, I got this! But something matters more than following, It is knowing how to follow. How to walk. I found that I need to get to the end of myself, that way, nothing hidden! I cannot do anything for myself! I'm sorry Lord I'm sorry dad. My heart is broken. If you don't trust me then what's all these about I've learnt In a hard way. Please, let this cup pass... Soon.

Believe me when I say I know exactly how you feel, I feel your struggles and confusion. Your fight. But is it worth fighting for? I sound cunt already, I know. I only wonder why you fight for something that you are not comfortable with. Like trash, you tossed the raw gold into the fire; you disposed off it. It came out refined, surprisingly so, and you seem to crave for it, do you now know the worth? Certainly not. This is not to say you are crass, It's just you Why not pick a struggle? Me? When I look at you, I see someone whom they said I'd amount to nothing without... I see someone striving to please me, someone with whom I can never be me, someone whose words I would hardly trust, someone I want to scream and break for freedom at his sight.. And I try, I try but... My guards are up. Other me? Sees someone I should lay my life for as our lord did. Someone with whom I want to fly in the face of all odds, someone I want to have a feel of the golden me....

Offenses have a way of fueling reactions, but most times actions are better than reactions. You'd react based on what you are seeing now; the hurt or in other cases joy. I tell you, it wouldn't last. The hurt will go. The offense will dissipate. The irritation will vanish. And then you'd be left with how you got there. How did you arrive at that decision?  your works will be tested by fire. So if it was never about him, Well..... If you have to make a decision, make it! drawing your thoughts from His will, if you make it about the offense, you'd grow weary. Then, what happens?