Psalms of Olúwalónimí

I'm tired! Really I am. Why does it always have to be about my past? Why wouldn't you ever look pass that? Do you ever expect me to grow? You can't do this, you can't do that cos you think I've not grown past him.... Really? I don't deserve to be loved or cared for, cos I had someone in my life who was forcing himself on me? And up till now you still hold that against me? How sad! My only hope is that it was never about you; I didn't respond to you....

True, yet untold True, but cannot be told Maybe not verbally Maybe time will tell. I see the mum Who consciously or subconsciously betroth her daughter; A form of payment to the good guy Who in her words "has been there" Shouldering her responsibilities, The same gesture that chokes her own But it doesn't matter much The mum's will be done.. The same reason she throws a frequent pity party; "I've suffered over you so you should serve me" Really? "I didn't gain a husband so I should the children" How do I tell that living your life through another person is sheer wickedness? How do I tell that you lost the right to determine my life, the moment you failed to make it about Him? How do I tell that your concerns are valid but not worth putting people's life on hold? Untold truth! I see the dad Who never sought to train his child. All he had been is the one who sired a child, What more? Nothing! The dad who knows noth...

I'm here today Tomorrow, I dunno... It's drastic following you. And I'm not taken aback. It's You, And I know all I need do to be fine is to follow, It wouldn't matter where I am or what is happening at the moment... I'm only safe in your hands. Nothing makes sense without You; Nothing matches up. It's all nothing; emptiness, without You. Everything less than You is dissatisfying. Again, I'm a pilgrim, And the only thing that matters is for all of these to make sense, One day.

We break, that's how light gets in. When we yield to you You press You squash You wring You crush And finer and finer we get. Till we are fit for your use. I know this. More so, had a physical experience yesterday. I died, literally. And I'm counting it all gain Amidst the emotions and disappointments The fears and tears. I'd dust myself and hold on to you It has always being about you. It'd always be. So again, I don this scar It's my 'suffer with.....' experience. I'd p ress for light And gain, And you. And you!

Rush of thoughts Yet, no words. Heavy heart Yet, the window seem closed. Oh my words Where are you? I thought I found you But each time, you fly as soon as I reach out Like a fly perched on the wall Why? It's been months Where are you?

The clash I couldn't wrap my head around.. How can your head be 'correct' and in a moment you exude sheer foolishness? How? Just how? It beats me. The former draws me, and when I'm planning to settle with that, the latter manifests. Till I look at Simon and Peter; the same person we see, but in one breath, he (Peter) identified who the son was and (Simon) was rebuking him for wanting to die. Only then did I realize that like peak milk, the foolishness is in me as well. I see Mamora. I see Shittu. I see Merit. I see me. I see the point of attraction... And now I'm aware that it's not enough to catch a glimpse into Peter; it's not enough to be tamed. The goal is to be changed.

So Regal requires a shoot; Faces to paint. Mine inclusive. She did. And as I stare into the picture, it speaks. No spots. No wrinkles. "To present her a holy church"... Suddenly I don't feel comfy with where I am... Suddenly I feel smothered by mum, as if she hadn't been that; I look at her and I see the log in my eye. Fear.  In her, it manifested as I don't want to lose my child, in me 'I don't want to make mistakes'... but what's the proper place for fear? Suddenly the crushing and pressing. The new wine requires a new skin...

A king and a kingdom full of paradoxes. The lion yet the lamb. In him, to live means to die. To receive, you scatter. The born king that needed to be hidden. The Son who died like a criminal. But it's about... The vantage. Place. Context. The sacrifice; the cross. The time Sometimes I laugh so hard, at the humour Other times I get so confused. Either way, I've learnt that the key is to stay at your feet Learning Unlearning Relearning. In you we grow, yet in circles A daughter. A wife...then a mother We expand yet we do not change It's the same source. It's one life. A student. An employee...now an employer We change yet we do not change Same source And that's all that counts That as we move with you. We maintain the climate.

You spoke Audibly I heard. 'tailoring is your direction' Elated..and a tad scared. It was a rare privilege. I looked at people They were happy for me Even those that were 'beefing' Actually were happy But it didn't stop fear from rearing it's ugly head. How will I face mum? How will I cope? Shouldn't I work a bit to gather some money? Will I make it? Can I?................ Your voice swallowed all of that. I choose to cast my fears and trust. It's you. And that's sufficient. I'm officially a disgrace to the family. Lol Officially mad. How does one who just bagged B.Sc opt for tailoring? 😂 But isn't that what you have made of me? You've made me mad. A king whose kingdom is full of paradoxes. And then came Shittu I could expressly hear you in him. In his words: "Classy babe identifies with things n events that are classy😉" "What do you believe ?" Hahahaha. Springs atta...

I want the ideal with all my heart But the way is to look at all the things in my life fueling exit. Do I know how to relate? Have I seen relating as a basis for oneness between the man and wife. Have I seen marriage as the basis for that oneness? The decree is not a curse. The bigger picture is to protect the work- the word our life brought to the earth- breaking the wall between the male and the female. It simply means we ask the lord to judge us by our single phase, if we cannot match up to that place. By that, we protect the work; we are selfless with it! My heart still sets on the ideal; I want my life and marriage to be a basis, Even as I probe my motive- am I just being selfish? Do I just want to boast? Am I seeking the kingdom 'so that'... I subscribe to more Much more As long as there is more...

No more silence. No more censor. No more fear of misconception. That state does more harm than good. It's been a safe haven for me. My safe place. I want to break free. .. From holding my thoughts back From denying my feelings. A senseless silence. They say she doesn't talk, I laugh... If only they saw the facade, and what I hold back to cover my shortcomings, the one I figured out myself. With an 'unwhole' lens. No more! I gain my voice And sound it like a babe that's learning the art of speech. Not minding how it comes out Yet yielding to correction. I utter my first word And feel so much joy Even if it sounds like rant It eases my heart I'm heard

In You, I've learnt that there are places. In my father's house there are many mansions, and every house is built by someone. Place. Context. So you think you haven't murdered, but you called him a fool... Place; context. You think your wedding band and certificate declares you married. Place; context. You think worship is song. Place; context. Question is, where are you? How do you want it? Gold, bronze, wood? ------------------------------------- I shouldn't argue with you. Cos I didn't know a thing until he helped me see. I do not know what he has not shown me. He is helping me see. So what's the point? It's needless to bore you with HOH, or it's terms and derivatives. Question is, where are you? If destiny brought us together, he'd supply the grace to relate.. And we can trust him for essence.

I sensed it Way before I left Zuru. I could feel it near, though I couldn't touch it. I was overwhelmed by the thought. Tired. Confused. But though I'm weary, you have always held my tired hands. Your word has been my strength. My source of joy and everything. So I turn again and again to you, And ask for help like never before For I cannot live on my own You are my source. Please carry me on. I rest on your shoulders Holding you firmly As I fear the heralding of this drama and heat. Please don't let me fall off. Please, father!

Numb. Weary.. Torn apart... The only thing I feel is pressure To do. Music. To write. Wativities. But I feel nothing...no muse... The Utopia of NYSC has come to an end. Suddenly so.. So everyone one pops the question...what next? I know the next thing is you; you've been the only option. Charting the course of my life. Still... My mind struggles with my heart Logic. Reasoning. Vulnerability is yet the toughest of this path, But isn't that the one way to your purpose; bodylife... I'm tired, really.. I've come to the end of me My strength fails, utterly. I need you more than ever.. Cos no turning back.. This is life. This is love. The path to you. Help!!!!!!! Please lead me through. Give me your strength. Make my life yours. Make my living count..... Help from above. Help!!!!!!!

Darling Eckman My head constantly spin words for you Yet I didn't find the strength to put down Till now... Your beauty confuses me I see so much beauty But I don't trust you; I don't trust the source I see someone who coulda hit something deep... I see a 'mis-charted' course. I may be wrong...but that's what I see. I see a flickering light under dross.. If only you'd give a way.. My heart breaks... I see how my emotions would have manifested like a beast, wild and fiery But for strength from past lessons. you have my love and prayers. And yes I'd terribly miss you..

Sometimes.. My heart breaks.. At how humans do not recognise the truth. My tears break... At how a disguised 'false' is accorded all the applause and 'truth' is overlooked. My heart breaks... My being breaks... My heart sinks... And then become heavy. I disperse the weight with tears. I realise I've been trying too hard.. To show. To love. To keep. Sometimes I fear that the pool may not even exist; who will relate with this truth? I get confused... But why should I? He came to his own and was rejected. He walked with them, yet they didn't know. He dwelt among them yet there was nothing to show for it. So, what's the difference? He draws. He changes. Basic. Everyday I'm learning.. That we can have flashes or flickers of truth, We can catch brain waves; we can have momentary revelations; we can know about Him, but until He breaks us, we do not know Him!

Write a story "Dami says'... A tale of hyoowandai. I can't tell what the problem was for sure, writers block? Inertia? Lack of concentration or better put unseriosness? Lono. One thing I know though, something always come up. Don't read that as 'just something'- these are things that are equally important and demanding. Actually they pass for a genuine excuse. I can highlight: meetings, Nysc camp, chores, foggy mind..... So you see, I've got excuses. However, what happens to the tale? Is it less important? I bet not! So Dami and I would discuss on several occasions, and I would stutter "Dami I don't really know what you have asked me to do...or maybe that's not it, things just come up, words are not forming......yada yada On one of such days, in the midst of our discussion and it would seem like my mind was seeing it, Florence called "Damilola please help me with the vegetables" I go to the kitchen, carrying thoughts from...

Would you ride? If I let you in If I put away the cloak And show you the vilest of me Would you? Would you ride If you touch my frailty And behold my flaws? Would you ride if I bare my heart And break yours? Would you still wanna take a ride? If I tell you how I think what I think .. Can you stand the process of the gold you see? Or better yet can you pay the price? What if I yell what if I freak out What if I reach out for what you'd never imagine? Would you ride? Have you taken a second thought that I may not be exactly what you see?

I learnt different languages of love From the one who'd raise an eyebrow at every finger I lift, and demand for an account To the one who'd sit to watch, even when his heart breaks at my folly; the one who always waits for me to see. The one who'd watch me fall but always lend a hand to lift me up The one who allow me to grope in finding my way, yet stealthily following to make sure I don't miss my way The one who is ever ready to hear The one who smacks me to show depth of love The one who prays for me in the closet yet don't even make a face with me in public....

I'm the girl you waved at. The distance you are yet to cover. I'm the puzzle you concluded you couldn't put together even when you never dared to look closely. I'm the book on the shelf, you never got around opening. I'm the light you put a cloak on, with the accusation of shining too bright. I'm the child whose whimper you ignore. The voice who kept calling but fell on deaf ears. The one you think is too true to be true. I'm the one you need, not the one you want; the one you waved at.

Dad, Tonight I burrowed into old conversations And it brought plenty memories... Of the times that were sweeter than now And the times i was totally misconceived Because I acted like a child that I am, And I cannot hold back my tears Or deny this pain, especially that of haunting me with the words I told you... I feel like I was charged guilty when I wasn't... But it's fine. You know better. If someday we get to talk about these things and I am able to make my points, I'd be the happiest girl around, but hey, if I don't...it still shouldn't matter. Cos what matters most is what brought us together- Destiny. Love you, still!

You are a message. A part of the story yet untold.... I can see that. You are the peak of my fantasies. An embodiment of my natural b ent. The test in another form, so to speak. There was noise about you. But I didn't even care. I didn't know you. Neither did I know that you were trying to reach out. While you thought I was snubbing, I hadn't even taken note of you. And the first time you reached out... I saw it ; the feeling of inadequacy. Though I did a good job by hiding behind my macho face. I saw it again, when you first visited. I was awestruck. But I know better, cos I've seen it one, two, three times... It's the same...my bent; my deficit...from then till now. And I see how it's all a hype, from talking to you. I hope to be able to fix you in the Jigsaw. To harness the part of the story that you are. To step beyond self. And find essence to this. I bless God for you. Welcome on board, darling. Cheers 🍻

I bare my heart before you, lord. You know the contents, even that which I know not. Oh lord. Grant understanding to my heart. Wisdom. Spirit of wisdom. Clarity for career. Speed for recovery. Conviction for establishment. Hear me, lord. Hear my heart cry. Ma je ki n w'aye asan. Je Ki aye mi fi riri re han. Fun mi ni imo, ati oye. Fi owo gbogboro re tun aye mi to. Fun ogo re. Mo fi gbogbo re sile fun o. Oluwa, olorun mi.

I am not different; The difference only is the light that siezed me I'm not different; I only found love I'm not different; The difference is intention I have the same questions... similar doubts and fear I'm as messy as you are, But love covers it all. Far and wide. I'm not different I only walk differently. A different path, I don't see it all I only chose to walk regardless Don't envy me Have you seen my path? It's the love that makes the difference Don't assume you know Sometimes it doesn't look like it Yet it is Love... I am not different I am not different in myself...

I love the way you teach me. You take me through the fire and hold me still. Ever present, even when it seems you are not there. You allow me to make a mess of myself, then you show up with the message. Every mess turn message makes me finer...like flour. I love the way you teach and love me.

Hi sir! Oh no, it's not what you think; I've moved past your matter. It really isn't about you. I kmow that now.  I have once bitten my finger in regret of meeting you, but that's stupid, cos how better could I have learnt these lessons? When I met you, you were such a beautiful flicker. You beamed under a cloak, yet I saw the beauty... So much that I didn't even respect your choice. I forced my love on you. I opened my core. Heck! I almost got down with you. I conjured concepts in my head, I built a castle to fit you just the way you are... But really I seem to forget you have a choice; not everyone wants true, not everyone wants love. And that's the first lesson.   I'm not very different  I set out for my will too, but I'm constantly reminded of His. He makes the difference. Basic. And because of you darling mamo, I can handle similar scenarios better. I learnt how to be vulnerable. I got to a juncture where I had to redefine my pursuit. ...

It wouldn't matter how many times you fall or didn't.. Fact, God is not batting an eyelid. Cos if you don't fall, how would you break, how would grace catch you? But the point is this, are you learning? He is breaking you, but do you see it? Are you seeing the gulf between your bent and Him? Are you learning?

You worry too much about the other person, Really though it's not about the other person. Its first about you. Be right first! Then rest assured he will be right. Understand you are only right to the degree you are pleasing God. Who are you pleasing? What is your bent? You or God? Now to be sure of this, you need to understand your bent, so you can consciously live outside of it. Know your self; grow into your prophetic destiny, then you'd know where to place people in your life. All Trinity had to hold on to was the fact that "she'd fall in love with the one". Not Neo. She fell in love with the one. It was Neo because he grew into that. If she didn't hold on to her destiny, she had all the excuse to make it Cypher. She defied her bent. She fell in love with the one. The choice to marry is not only to be happy It is a contribution to divine economy and dealing. Sanctification. Oneness. Know your self. Be right. He will be right!