Psalms of Olúwalónimí

I embrace this disfiguration. I embrace the scars, I don't care if he strips me of all the comfort, He has a better plan. He always does. You look at me and all you could say is "haggard and stressed" Well, yea, but then I know what I'm paying for. You obviously don't see. Cos how could you see past your offences and selfish desires. You say I need you to survive. Haven't you heard I am everything without You? Wait, did you look up, I mean didn't you read in my name that 'He owns me'?. You could gloat about how you'd have helped, but bros seriously, who you epp? I'd give my all and more for this eternal life. I'd go lean for it, broke for it, tattered for it. You may see me struggle but you will never see me quit. wait, just wait. I have been sent, I'd come back seeing. I doubt if you can stand it. Hell no! If you can't stand the ugliness, how would you the beauty? But, regardless of you, He'd make me beauti...

I once rode on the wings of emotion, it felt so sweet; a beautiful drive, It makes you confess what you know next to nothing about, It makes you feel like the best you can have is here... It nudges you to make a decision, as if it was ever designed for that. I once rode on the wings of emotion, when I had to make a decision, it fuelled it and made it an easy one. Hahahaha! The anger laced with irritation made the statement "I'm done" a very easy one to make. The euphoria; excitement and all, drives you and you wouldn't notice the bump. But now, I have been stripped, stripped of all. I'm in a place where decisions are made while putting emotions on hold.. It was never meant for that, was it? You call emotion a sly? Ok. So did I, until I noticed the accusation was wrong. Totally wrong! You don't make decisions outta emotions. It's a colour that shows the beauty or expression of whatever decision you made. Emotion wasn't the sly... You we...

It's never really about the person; the father's tool, at least for you. It's more about the reason; why it happened, And what should become of you. Forget the hurt, remember the lessons, Retain the story, for you! It's not about the story, at least for the other person. It's about the lessons, and how much you can don the things you've learnt like a fitting wedding dress. Oh, like a light,shining so bright, that the other person want so much to know the source, with all their heart. It's neither about you both. Ultimately it's about the father. His will. His purpose. His purpose can never be deterred, with or without us. We can only choose to have a place in or advance his purpose or not. Ultimately, the father rules!

We are only safe in His hands I have heard so. Wait, have I? Have I really heard it if it didn't seize my heart? If it hasn't touched my core? If it doesn't inform my dispositions? Have I? Mayhap I haven't. More than likely. So now I want to hear. I'm tired of these limiting walls that disguises as a haven. The thought that I could do my calculations to the best of my knowledge and have my way. I can't be safe except I'm in His hands. Casting my fears and questions, My worries and doubts, My knowledge and foolishness, All for him. I want to be safe. Safe in His hands. Selah!

Today, I look back at those things I aimed for years back but never got and my gratitude knows no bound. God the master planner; He plans everything to suit His own. For those relationships that never came to be, despite the aspirations. For that wrong turn that was made right at just one step. For mercy for a new beginning. For the knowledge that only came at when due. My gratitude knows no bound. I asked myself: why did I aspire all these? They looked pleasing, oh! Instincts, intuition it is. Sometimes, they even look like the ideal, at least the exterior, but interior is way far from it. I wanted those relationships so I'd have people approve my approach and throw some laughs at my lame and inane jokes. Those turns, I wanted to take because they seemed like it. Vanity! All vain!! But..... Mercy said no! Mercy saved me!. Now, this life I cannot afford to live aimlessly. I owe it to you, Master planner!!!

How do I live when I haven't died? When something in me is still of me, No matter how minute. How do I live if I haven't been stripped of self and all it worths, If somewhere in my heart, I think anything good dwells in flesh; If I fail to see the vileness of flesh How do I live? I'd rather have the Father slay me, Thereby finding pleasure in the scent of the burning flesh, For what good has flesh done? Have I been able to save myself? The moral walls and haven couldn't stand the test of becoming... What's the cloak for? I'd keep running back to Him anyways. Strip me of me, Bring me to the state of nothingness, Where I'd only be armed by your love, That I may find hope and life in you alone. Empty me of self, that I may be filled with you. I want to die...that I may live... In You.