Psalms of Olúwalónimí

What would it matter if I show you all the affection, though I haven't seen His love? What would it mean if all I have to offer is of me? If my thoughts and actions stem from my will Will it matter? Will it not fade away with the night? He teaches me how to love. From Him I derive my being, It wouldn't matter if you are offended or astonished He is not readily understood. Yet, I seek Him; His will. His purpose. Hence, the 'AS' Principle... I do the things I see Him do. What I receive I give; I love the way he loves me, I teach the way he teaches me, Whatever I bring to the table; I got from him. It doesn't have to fit in to your range of reasoning, It defies logic. So don't sweat, don't break one in trying to understand me, You will have to look at Him to see me, But if you can't, too bad.

I feel too. Really I do. You think I'm so mean and heartless? Well, I ain't. No self eulogy intended. Just fact. Fact it is. But, how can I deny the convictions of my heart? This thing that stares at me and my heart endorsed as ideal, how can I look past or act like I didn't see it. If only you saw that, I tried to strip and open my all to you, but you preferred an acquaintance with the cloaked me; I tried to show all my frailties and imperfections, but you preferred an illusion of the perfect one. My dear, if only you saw that all I did was to encourage you to love yourself so much so, that you can know how to love another, but then I was the ungrateful one. Though I can't do this anymore, I wish you the best, I want to see you do good. I hope that one day you'd realise that I meant no harm, after all, and that you find strength and wisdom to wade the storm. With love, From me.

I embrace this disfiguration. I embrace the scars, I don't care if he strips me of all the comfort, He has a better plan. He always does. You look at me and all you could say is "haggard and stressed" Well, yea, but then I know what I'm paying for. You obviously don't see. Cos how could you see past your offences and selfish desires. You say I need you to survive. Haven't you heard I am everything without You? Wait, did you look up, I mean didn't you read in my name that 'He owns me'?. You could gloat about how you'd have helped, but bros seriously, who you epp? I'd give my all and more for this eternal life. I'd go lean for it, broke for it, tattered for it. You may see me struggle but you will never see me quit. wait, just wait. I have been sent, I'd come back seeing. I doubt if you can stand it. Hell no! If you can't stand the ugliness, how would you the beauty? But, regardless of you, He'd make me beauti...

I once rode on the wings of emotion, it felt so sweet; a beautiful drive, It makes you confess what you know next to nothing about, It makes you feel like the best you can have is here... It nudges you to make a decision, as if it was ever designed for that. I once rode on the wings of emotion, when I had to make a decision, it fuelled it and made it an easy one. Hahahaha! The anger laced with irritation made the statement "I'm done" a very easy one to make. The euphoria; excitement and all, drives you and you wouldn't notice the bump. But now, I have been stripped, stripped of all. I'm in a place where decisions are made while putting emotions on hold.. It was never meant for that, was it? You call emotion a sly? Ok. So did I, until I noticed the accusation was wrong. Totally wrong! You don't make decisions outta emotions. It's a colour that shows the beauty or expression of whatever decision you made. Emotion wasn't the sly... You we...

It's never really about the person; the father's tool, at least for you. It's more about the reason; why it happened, And what should become of you. Forget the hurt, remember the lessons, Retain the story, for you! It's not about the story, at least for the other person. It's about the lessons, and how much you can don the things you've learnt like a fitting wedding dress. Oh, like a light,shining so bright, that the other person want so much to know the source, with all their heart. It's neither about you both. Ultimately it's about the father. His will. His purpose. His purpose can never be deterred, with or without us. We can only choose to have a place in or advance his purpose or not. Ultimately, the father rules!

We are only safe in His hands I have heard so. Wait, have I? Have I really heard it if it didn't seize my heart? If it hasn't touched my core? If it doesn't inform my dispositions? Have I? Mayhap I haven't. More than likely. So now I want to hear. I'm tired of these limiting walls that disguises as a haven. The thought that I could do my calculations to the best of my knowledge and have my way. I can't be safe except I'm in His hands. Casting my fears and questions, My worries and doubts, My knowledge and foolishness, All for him. I want to be safe. Safe in His hands. Selah!

Today, I look back at those things I aimed for years back but never got and my gratitude knows no bound. God the master planner; He plans everything to suit His own. For those relationships that never came to be, despite the aspirations. For that wrong turn that was made right at just one step. For mercy for a new beginning. For the knowledge that only came at when due. My gratitude knows no bound. I asked myself: why did I aspire all these? They looked pleasing, oh! Instincts, intuition it is. Sometimes, they even look like the ideal, at least the exterior, but interior is way far from it. I wanted those relationships so I'd have people approve my approach and throw some laughs at my lame and inane jokes. Those turns, I wanted to take because they seemed like it. Vanity! All vain!! But..... Mercy said no! Mercy saved me!. Now, this life I cannot afford to live aimlessly. I owe it to you, Master planner!!!

How do I live when I haven't died? When something in me is still of me, No matter how minute. How do I live if I haven't been stripped of self and all it worths, If somewhere in my heart, I think anything good dwells in flesh; If I fail to see the vileness of flesh How do I live? I'd rather have the Father slay me, Thereby finding pleasure in the scent of the burning flesh, For what good has flesh done? Have I been able to save myself? The moral walls and haven couldn't stand the test of becoming... What's the cloak for? I'd keep running back to Him anyways. Strip me of me, Bring me to the state of nothingness, Where I'd only be armed by your love, That I may find hope and life in you alone. Empty me of self, that I may be filled with you. I want to die...that I may live... In You.

Sitting in my corner but not oblivious. Sitting to watch the many activities, yet no substance. But one thing I cannot deny... I laugh. Why? Why do you think it has to be tangible or in 'public eye' to be salient? And because you do not know where I'm coming from...you think I've been hypnotized... Now, I laugh out loud..... Well yea, you ain't categorically wrong. But you have no idea what kinda influence it is.. You do not even wish to know. I have tasted of the father's love, hence been bereft of the memory of every other... So, relax! You hear me? Kponkpi ! You cannot compete with God. Nah! Y'all ain't enough. So if you wouldn't mind, and you shouldn't, Sit down... Sit all the way down! Meanwhile, allow me to laugh away.... Hihihihihi....

(i) Sometimes in your journey YOU met a lady. (Babe). She's slim,smart,beautiful,young and naive. she seeks admission, you just got back from service. You are strong, daring and optimistic, at least you thought so. You broke up with Bae to be with babe; a quick escape route of her overbearing attitude. Finally, you got babe. She got an admission, you got a job; things cannot be smoother; just the way you wanted it; the exact picture! Years rolled by and babe is not who you used to know. Your heart is broken; your picture distorted. The more you tried to fix the picture the more it falls apart, you damned everything to have it fixed, you don't mind, you just want babe, you even tried to use the age difference as an advantage but it's so not working, you have questions but you cannot handle the truth; you just can't let go of that picture- the way it is done, at least the way you know. You shut your mind , you couldn't wrap it around what you see...now you are conf...

I am everything without you Everything you couldn't imagine. Your hold, as feeble as cobweb Was more mental than physical But now I see, I am everything without you... Oh you care; it goes without saying, I know. I see. Only, it's too much for my good. So dont worry; don't bother that I chose to test the depth of this river with both feet... Let me wander, Darling, 'is it your wander'? "I'm lost".... you say. Breaking news: "not all those who wander are lost" Can I shock you? I love the wounds; the stripes I'd don my scars like a graduation robe, It's the uniqueness of my journey. The journey I'd take with or without you, Because my dear I am everything without you, But NOTHING without God. #Oluwalonimi

Grateful still... Though You slay me, I will yet follow. When my heart sinks, And I'm overwhelmed with questions; bewildered, Still I find hope in You. Though I mumble, I'd yet clutch to your feet... Cos your love is the greatest of all, And I'd forever be grateful.

Don't try to fix me Don't do a remix of me I love me. Don't expect me to be sane Even when you consider me mundane I love me. Though you marvel I won't stop to unravel... I love me. Don't get caught up in the memory of who I used to be It will only break your heart and shorten your sight. Cos how do you expect me to love you right If infact I (don't) love me...? Oluwadamilola Oluwalonimi.

It's a Journey A love story Every step of the way is as important as the end... It's a script...scattered... A picture when fitted... It's a love story... It's a way through death to life... It's the #DiaryofaPilgrim.