Proposal.

Dear diary,

I know it's been a long time coming 

And I know if you could talk, you'd literally scream 'finally!' lol. 

Didn't mean not to talk about this, it's just been a lot of emotions put together and hurled at me...

I staggered, didn't know where or how to start,

But here, it's looking like I can finally talk about it. 

6months ago, Dami asked me to marry him, yeah! You heard me.

I was shocked too. 

Before then, it's been 3years since we've been friendly. A lot had happened. From me dealing with my feelings for him to questioning the very base of our friendship, and questioning if we really were friends. I held off, I observed. I couldn't remember the things I liked, or maybe I did, but it just didn't make sense anymore.

Are we friends, or ẹ̀gbọ́n and àbúrò?

Why did I really tell him all those things at the time? They were clearly unnecessary....

Those were my thoughts and what I believed we should talk about. Instead, he played the proposal card outta the blues... Like yoooo! I wouldn't lie, a part of me feels insulted. How did he even get to that juncture? What exactly is his plan for the future, say we get together? Or was it just a thing of, "they told me it's time, so there, Dami suits me". 

To be fair, I kinda had an inkling he'd come, and I was probing, asking if he was the one. Answer came, through Shara, but fear took the better part of me. Enough to almost drown Your voice... Sigh! 

Everything came crashing in, I knew he can't be. You had told me years ago 'he'd come from shara'.....amidst other signs... 

Personally I had my reservations, and I was unwilling. Looking back, though what I said to those I spoke to was about my reservations, it was really about my conviction (and I'm glad this was the only thing I said to Dami). I wasn't convinced he was the one. I still am not. 

Then there was Dee, my father, who seemed very disinterested, and couldn't be bothered, whatever I did was fine. Only for him to flare up after I gave Dami my reply... 

So many questions, that make me say 'God I'm not stupid o' sebi you know. 

Suddenly everyone knew better, things they didn't tell me while I was speaking to them... Everyone had a better idea they didn't deem fit to share before I gave my answer. Sigh! Felt like a calculated attempt to throw me to the wolves. 

Confused! 

I ask... God, is this what I'm deserving of?

Is Dee's disposition to me fair?

I know he has had his fair share of regret.. People have caused him to want to step back on issues, but why am I the scapegoat? haven't I done enough to prove myself? 

I still need answers, Lord. I still do!