Psalms of Olúwalónimí

Ẹniiyì My darling. My love. My baby. I could write a whole book. Two sef. It's been 2years of amazing, exciting, terrifying, all together-lovely journey of growth with you.  You're my gift from God, one I didn't even see coming.  My baby. My teacher. My very own baby.... Oh, how I love... I couldn't even dare write this in a public place... Because what's this love? What will your mother say? Lol. But the truth is I don't even see my self as less than a mom to you. You taught me to be one, and many more. Someone said my affinity for you can't be compared... I didn't even see it at the time.  It all started exactly 2years today.  I remember when you started screaming. You were only two weeks old. Your voice was second to none. You could scream for an hour or more, straight. It was deafening. We didn't know what to do, but we endured it, esp mama and i, because we love you. How could we not?  Through it all, you taught me patience. I learnt that I w...

I think I've had something of this sort up earlier, yet, here I am again saying you do not know me. You feel acquainted because you daily see my status on WhatsApp and IG stories... I laugh. But I get it. Truth is I'm not on my status. Heck! Half my thoughts doesn't even make it there. Lol You think you know me, because you've seen my stand on certain issues, or how I acted or reacted, it's understandable. What you can't see though is the struggle behind those actions.  Sometimes, behind a firm stance is a weeping heart, a heart that'd rather not but had to.  All you see is outward, have you seen inward? Some of us live there, we seem showy but nah! Chill bud! I'm not saying you can't... I'm saying you do not know me! 

How easy it is for people to forget I have a life. How convinient! Some days I shrug it off; it doesn't really matter. Other days I ponder on it all day. Its astounding, and funny and exasperating at the same time. You, you are the wife and mom. You definitely want to be seen as such, only, you handpick the responsibility that you are saddled with, even when it's clearly yours. Mad o! You could care less about the cooking, but you feel sidelined when another serves. Double mad o! You go out at will, with little or no regard for the one who takes over after you've left. I'm the one who has to plan ahead and ask permission to go out cos of the (your) kids. Now, that's mad o pro! You, you drop your kids without any heads up... 5-6 weeks straight, I'm supposed to look after 5 children. It's the no notice for me, and the assumption that I've got nothing to do. Ma what? Maaaad o! Who does the dishes when everyone leaves the plates and leaves in the morning? Wh...

More often than not, I question everything I do... I search my heart for the why..  And honestly, sometimes I'm just not sure.  But I've found that, through every feeling,  Every thought and weariness...  Times I'm misunderstood and misjudged,  Unheard and misheard,  I keep on keeping on I have questioned if it's fear or a need for validation  Or I just want to be seen and applauded  But I find all these not enough reason The only reason I have, really, is God It's the only reason big enough To push me through my tiredness, doubts and fears........ 

It was my 30th birthday yesterday, and I am super grateful, this is no cliché... I'm not even joking. For life and more, I am grateful and excited .  I got all the love, from the cake, to the breakfast in bed, to gifts, calls and prayers. Words of affirmation and appreciation. I felt it all,  But as grateful and blessed as I felt, it was a roller-coaster of emotions for me. Not sure I've had to deal with a happy moment and a somewhat sad one at the same time... Tofunmi got ill and hospitalised the day before...  It'd have been all hopes if there hadn't been a word that redemption was needed. A word that was clearly disobeyed. Sigh!. I had to take in all the love, and genuinely so while praying through every smile. I had to match the energy of my sisters and well wishers, though a part of me was worried.  I had to show and turn up- I mean two people just ditched their jobs to be with me...someone worked her butt off baking, the previous night... The least I could do w...

I'd wait... to see if you'd stay true to your word or it was all bluff. to see if you are truly personal with everyone you've made, or you're too busy with so many issues,  to see if you've brought me this far to leave me,  to see if it was all worth it. I'd wait  to see if you're truly a rewarder of those who diligently seek you. to see if you'd focus on my wrongs and forget my Labour of love.  I hear blames more than I do praises.  My faults are more echoed.  Just yesterday, I remember when he said "Let them leave... I see how they treat Nimi" And I still can't wrap my head around... I understand leaving to learn, I don't understand how we treated Nimi.  Yet, it has not deterred me from giving my best, the way I know how.  For the house...  The kids...  And everything in between.  And I'm not perfect, I'm gunning to be...  I'm expected to do even what the wife cannot do, like watch over the kids, cook and clean at once... ...

My heart in tatters In a million places. My eyes, teary.  A million thoughts and questions going through my head Like, how did we get here? One minute, it was all hype And the next you're clearly avoiding me.  I've reached out a number of times, you're either shutting me up or shutting me out.  I can't even explain the pain...  The confusion  Messages left unanswered  What do I make of that?  I dunno...  Every other thing seems cool, but really, is it?  And the big question is, what's happening?  Or what have I done?  Or what have I not done? Please make it make sense.  I've taken a journey back to previous conversations.  The most recent one, which was about not opening up...  God knows I'm tired I'm praying I'm trying...  Maybe it's all part of the process..  Would someone please say something?