Psalms of Olúwalónimí

I'm tired! Really I am. Why does it always have to be about my past? Why wouldn't you ever look pass that? Do you ever expect me to grow? You can't do this, you can't do that cos you think I've not grown past him.... Really? I don't deserve to be loved or cared for, cos I had someone in my life who was forcing himself on me? And up till now you still hold that against me? How sad! My only hope is that it was never about you; I didn't respond to you....

True, yet untold True, but cannot be told Maybe not verbally Maybe time will tell. I see the mum Who consciously or subconsciously betroth her daughter; A form of payment to the good guy Who in her words "has been there" Shouldering her responsibilities, The same gesture that chokes her own But it doesn't matter much The mum's will be done.. The same reason she throws a frequent pity party; "I've suffered over you so you should serve me" Really? "I didn't gain a husband so I should the children" How do I tell that living your life through another person is sheer wickedness? How do I tell that you lost the right to determine my life, the moment you failed to make it about Him? How do I tell that your concerns are valid but not worth putting people's life on hold? Untold truth! I see the dad Who never sought to train his child. All he had been is the one who sired a child, What more? Nothing! The dad who knows noth...

I'm here today Tomorrow, I dunno... It's drastic following you. And I'm not taken aback. It's You, And I know all I need do to be fine is to follow, It wouldn't matter where I am or what is happening at the moment... I'm only safe in your hands. Nothing makes sense without You; Nothing matches up. It's all nothing; emptiness, without You. Everything less than You is dissatisfying. Again, I'm a pilgrim, And the only thing that matters is for all of these to make sense, One day.

We break, that's how light gets in. When we yield to you You press You squash You wring You crush And finer and finer we get. Till we are fit for your use. I know this. More so, had a physical experience yesterday. I died, literally. And I'm counting it all gain Amidst the emotions and disappointments The fears and tears. I'd dust myself and hold on to you It has always being about you. It'd always be. So again, I don this scar It's my 'suffer with.....' experience. I'd p ress for light And gain, And you. And you!

Rush of thoughts Yet, no words. Heavy heart Yet, the window seem closed. Oh my words Where are you? I thought I found you But each time, you fly as soon as I reach out Like a fly perched on the wall Why? It's been months Where are you?

The clash I couldn't wrap my head around.. How can your head be 'correct' and in a moment you exude sheer foolishness? How? Just how? It beats me. The former draws me, and when I'm planning to settle with that, the latter manifests. Till I look at Simon and Peter; the same person we see, but in one breath, he (Peter) identified who the son was and (Simon) was rebuking him for wanting to die. Only then did I realize that like peak milk, the foolishness is in me as well. I see Mamora. I see Shittu. I see Merit. I see me. I see the point of attraction... And now I'm aware that it's not enough to catch a glimpse into Peter; it's not enough to be tamed. The goal is to be changed.

So Regal requires a shoot; Faces to paint. Mine inclusive. She did. And as I stare into the picture, it speaks. No spots. No wrinkles. "To present her a holy church"... Suddenly I don't feel comfy with where I am... Suddenly I feel smothered by mum, as if she hadn't been that; I look at her and I see the log in my eye. Fear.  In her, it manifested as I don't want to lose my child, in me 'I don't want to make mistakes'... but what's the proper place for fear? Suddenly the crushing and pressing. The new wine requires a new skin...